Three years in hiatus

2009. A lot has changed in the world but just some for me. I don't know if that's good or bad, but judging from the facial expressions and tones of some people, I'd say bad.

1. Ilang taon ka na?!?

2. Wala ka pa ring asawa?!?

3. Hoy mahirap nang mabuntis past 30!

Everytime I come across this line of questioning, I paint a mental picture of myself covering my ears or rolling my eyes in disdain. Like yeah the other person's got it all figured out and I haven't.

Maybe not. Admittedly...

And although I hate it that some people think they're better than the rest, I tolerate it. That's one thing I can never understand about myself. But hey, I'm no wus. I just choose not to get affected. That affected.

By now I have come to recognize which tones are oozing with concern or pity. Which ones are the real friends and which ones are the posers. Which ones say, "That totally sucks but so what?" and which ones think, "I'm better than you."

I hate, really hate it when a person constantly compares herself to others, even friends. Most especially, friends. This is a sad sad fact of life... And yes, I must be giving the impression that I'm just jealous and envious and bitter... and maybe I am. But you won't see me putting somebody on the spot to revel in her sorry state. I've had a dose of that for two years and counting. So I know how that feels.

But please, that's not to say that the three years I've been in hiatus means it has been a miserable three years! The constant teasing is just a part of it. But definitely not the whole. And I refuse to be taken down by snide remarks. Those cannot crush my spirit.

There is a certain air of dignity in being thirty. (LOL!) Seriously, it's easier to say no. It's simpler to state the truth. I can define my wants and needs more clearly without having to explain or apologize for it. If I want to do something, I just do it. And if I go out alone (to the gym, to the mall, or to the bookstore) I don't feel lonely. Dati pa naman eh. If something goes wrong and I know it was my fault, it's easier to own up to my responsibility. Being older has made me appreciate life: embrace the present, live like it's your last, MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT. =)

Of course, there is the matter concerning choices. Poor choices, wise choices. Choices that you will regret and choices that you will be proud of. That is the dilemma of growing older, I think. It's harder to give the excuse that no one was the wiser. Personally, I don't think i can afford that anymore.

And yet I can hear God inject, "But why are you still foolish, not giving up your rights to yourself?"

Ah. There lies the rub. Again: God. Again: me. Everyday it is a constant battle between giving up my rights to myself and taking it back... Always always taking it back...

So maybe, it isn't right to feel bad when people ask me those three eternal questions after all.